Mother fountain or live or not at all///

Song of the Day: Massive Attack> Black Milk

Things I am looking forward to:

Summer and Fall classes. Here is what is on my plate for the next 2 semesters...

Summer 2009:

MATH 120 - Intermediate Algebra @ Sacramento City College. MTuWTh 615 to 845pm. 6/15/08 to 8/7/09. 5 units.
This course reviews and extends the concepts of elementary algebra, with problem solving skills emphasized throughout. Topics that are reviewed and extended include: linear and quadratic equations, factoring polynomials, rational expressions, exponents, radicals, equations of lines, and systems of equations. New topics include: graphs and their translations and reflections, functions, exponential and logarithmic functions, graphs of quadratic and polynomial functions, nonlinear systems of equations, polynomial, rational and absolute value inequalities, and an introduction to conic sections.


Fall 2009:

ART 300 - Elementary Drawing and Composition @ American River College (Natomas). MW 6 to 820pm. 8/22/09 to 12/17/09. 3 units.
This course is a studio class in drawing and composition. Lectures and discussions stress the fundamental discipline related to the visualization of concrete or abstract concepts. Practice in drawing and development of content will be emphasized.

HIST 311 - History of the United States @ Sacramento City College (Downtown). TuTh 530 to 840pm. 8/22/09 to 10/16/09. 3 units.
This course covers the development of American Institutions and society from Reconstruction to the present and partially fulfills American Institutions requirements. The course emphasizes the role played by political, economic, social, cultural, and intellectual forces on the culture and development of multiple ethnic groups in a comparative format.

MATH 300 - Introduction to Mathematical Ideas @ American River College (Natomas). TuTh 6 to 9pm. 10/17/09 to 12/11/09. 3 units.
This course focuses on elements of mathematical systems. It is designed to make fundamental concepts and processes more meaningful to the general student. Its content may include systems, logic, geometry, combinatorics, probability, statistics, sets, matrices, and number theory. Not recommended for students entering elementary school teaching or business administration majors.

Hopefully, all I will need are a few more classes and then I can work on transferring to a bigger school. Paul took me to UC Davis on Saturday to check out the campus (I was pretty familiar with it, I dated a guy who lived in Davis and we would head to the campus from time to time). I really liked it there and their Art History program looks really good. Not to mention that Wayne Thiebaud is an honorary professor there. And I also have his calender in my kitchen too (yes, I am a dork... I love having calenders of artist in the house. Paul has one of Wassily Kandinsky in the bedroom... Speaking of Kandinsky, he died on my birthday in 1944. Odd). Thiebaud is one of my favorite modern artist (Picasso is my idol) and a local Sacramento native.

I don't know if I could afford $20,000 a year on school tho. Even if it is only for 2 more years while I get my Bachelors degree. Sac State is much cheaper tho. I don't know if I really want to stay in Sacramento tho. I love it here, my family is here, Paul and I have a life here. Who knows anymore. I want to live up to my promise I made to Grandma before she died. I told her that I want to work in a museum. Its the one passion and goal I have in my life. I don't care how long it will take me. I am going to be a curator. I am sick of hearing that I cant do it or that it will be to hard to accomplish. I know I have to kick ass in school and make my dream a reality. I owe it to myself... I know Grandma would be proud of me either way.

Say goodbye to everyone you have ever known... You are not gonna see them ever again///

Song of the Day: Editors> Smokers Outside The Hospital Doors

We've all been changed
From what we were
Our broken parts
Left smashed off the floor

[How ironic. I have found this awesome band via Pandora and I have now come to love them. While I write this entry, this song comes on and sums up what it going on inside of me. Stupid music.]


Ugh. My Grandma isn't doing well. I can tell. And I don't like thinking like that. Today was supposed to be a great day. I wanted it to be a awesome day. And now, I am saddened beyond belief.

After last night seeing my Dad's band play, Paul and I came home and went to sleep. We woke up, watched some sports highlights from the night before, got dressed and went to the Farmers Market near the house to buy some veggies, made some corned beef and hash burritos for breakfast, watched some NCAA basketball games, watched some movies that Paul had downloaded a while ago and worked on my crocheted bags.

I got a call on my phone. I didn't answer it immediately. I just let it go to voice mail. I went to the phone minutes later and saw that my Grandma had called. I thought it was odd because she usually doesn't call me too ofter, I call her. I listened to the message and it was actually from my Aunt Rosemary who lives in Houston, Texas. She said that she was down there with Grandma and that she (my Grandma) wanted to talk to me. I figured I would call her later on, and I continued to watch the movie with Paul. Minutes later, I got a call from my Mom telling me to call my Grandma. I said okay, hung up the phone and watched the last 6 minutes of the movie.

I called my Grandma and talked to her. I could hear the pain in her voice. Last night when my Mom came over to our house, she showed me photos of when she was last down in Los Angeles to visit Grandma. She looked so frail. So fragile. She didn't look like the Grandma I have know for 25 years. She looked like someone completely different. She looked like her time was/ is coming up. I could barely look at the photos. And I could see those photos in my head as I talked to her on the phone. Every sentence I said was followed by a 10 second pause then her response. I know my Grandma knows that she is not going to last long. I know she isn't that dumb or naive. I didn't want her to think that I was thinking that too, so I asked her the usual questions that I do when I call her for a chat: How are you doing out there? Whats the weather like for you guys? How is the rest of the family doing too? I love talking to my Grandma. She loves to hear about what I am up to, how my job and school work is going, how Paul and the Kittens are, and she just likes to hear from one of her grand kids. And I love telling her everything.

I sent my Mom the following message after I talked to Grandma:

Amanda- "Grandma sounds so weak"
Mom- "I know. She is saying good bye"
Amanda- "She isn't gonna last long, is she?"
Mom- "No"

Mom said that they think she only has about a month left. I can't loose her. This sucks.

I’ll never let you go If you promise not to fade away///

Song of the day: Muse> Starlight

So, what is going on in the world of me?

-School is in full swing. Almost regret taking 2 Art History classes at the same time (only because of the teachers contradicting each other).

-Settling nicely in to 'St. George'. Constantly thinking of new things to decorate and unpack (still). Beasley and Poppy have gotten use to the new home. Finding new hiding places... New sunbathing spots... Running around on hardwood flooring... Poppy exploring the backyard with me.

-Realized that Paul and I are not home as much as we once were... Working full time and going to school full time (part time for me) is not fun. But, Paul has one more full year of school and will hopefully be a graduate of the University of California, Sacramento by Winter 2010.

-Jetta (my dog that lives at my parents house) is blind now. It kills me inside knowing that. She is going to be 13 years old this Halloween. She has lived a long life and I love her more then any other dog I have had. Mom says that she is doing well and knows that she is blind. She keeps bumping into things (like the walls and the couches and people's legs). Life is strange...

and most importantly...
-My Grandmother is dying. I can't even think of the thought of her leaving this world. My last grandparent. I think the moment when I knew that she really isn't doing well (and approaching the end of her life) was when my Mom asked me for my social security number and telling me that my brothers (and myself included) and other cousins are beneficiaries for her estate. *sigh* Not good. Seriously. Everyday is another battle... All I can do is hope for the best and pray (which being an Atheist, will be quite hard) that my Grandma will be alright. Oh yeah, her 77th birthday is in 2 weeks... My Grandpa (who died when I was 12 in 1997) would have been 75 on this coming Thursday... Jeebus.

You know you own my body, but don't think that you control my mouth///

Song of the day: We Are Scientist> Textbook


A long time ago, I think I was about 20 (it was a month till my 21st birthday); I was dating this guy named Eddie. Back in the day, all I was doing was meeting up with random guys... More for the human contact then the pointless and forgettable sex... I liked being in the company of guys (Being raised around boys my whole life and being the only girl in a Masculine household had taken its toll on me apparently). Let me tell you... Eddie was a pretty kick ass guy. He practically was the polar opposite of me but we fit together so well. He was a white boy rapper type with tattoos drove an Escalade. He was the most fun person I have ever dated at the time and I totally adored this guy. I don't know if it was the fact that I was so mesmerized with the thought of being with someone this amazing or that I decided to settle with the first person who would have me...

We didn't know each other for very long before he proposed to me. I think we had known each other for 4 or 5 months. I honestly thought that he was going to me my future husband. That's what I get for watching stupid movies where the girl gets the guy. Anyways, Eddie proposed to me in February... I remember thinking that every bad thing that has ever happened to me was now finally being wiped away and now having the chance to start a life with someone who I loved more then the English language. I was so happy then. That whole time period was like a whirl-wind romance that you could only see on the big screen. I had my doubts...

It's him.
I write about Ed. my thoughts about him are awesome. I adore him so much. He is the most wonderful person in the world next to me. He makes me smile and I truly value the time that we get to spend together. The world is a better place now that he is in it.

I have my doubts.
I am not going to lie about that. I think that things between us have happened a bit too fast. This whole month together has just taken things that should wait several months to forge and they happened within the course of a few weeks. We said that we loved each other faster then any other relationship I have ever been in. we already have plans for the future despite the fact that we don't really know all that much about each other. Things are moving pretty fast for my second relationship.

I just wonder if I am the one for him.
I know I am not the easiest person to love or even like for that matter. I know that he deserves so much more then what I can offer him. He deserves the stars in the sky and I just hope to god that I am that one girl who can give them to him. I mean, he is the most perfect guy that I have ever had the pleasure to know in all my random emo kid adventures. He is thoughtful and considerate and has the most beautiful blue eyes in the free world. He can make my heart stop beating but just looking at me. He makes me so happy that I can't wait for the days to pass... I look forward to the day when I can stop calling him my boyfriend and call him my husband.

That is how much I love that white boy.

I guess I am nervous. I don't know if I am scared to let things happen. This is my life... these things are meant to happen for a reason or another. I guess I need to loosen up and live a little. If I get hurt, then it happens. I will still live. I am scared to love someone else. Today is the one year anniversary of the great break up of 2003... I guess that is the reason why I am thinking like this.


Be thankful happy for this moment.
This moment is your life.

Long story short, it didn't last. Like most things in my life apparently. He cheated on me and I was too stupid to see the warning signs. Like the emails to random girls on Craigslist... He tried to tell me that those were nothing and that I am the only one that he wants. All fucking lies. Oh well. I talked to him years later (this year actually) and he said that it was a combination of him not really liking me and he really wasn't ready to be married.


Tonight,
I was playing around with Paul's new ipod touch tonight. It brought those memories back all of a sudden to Eddie breaking off our engagement because he cheated on me. Reading anonymous emails from him to some other girl he wrote in April of 08 makes me feel like leaving this. So fucking lame.

& I've made stairways such scenes for things that I regret///

I hope I finally got my point across. What do you think?

Size matters?!

I broke down and bought the new Ratchet & Clank game for the PS2 yesterday. I am in love with the whole series and thought that this game would totally kick ass like the other 2 games I have. I have played the game for a grand total of 4 hours and I am now frustrated by the game. I don't know what to do about it. I love the series but this game is not made by the same original company. Talk about a 'dilemma'. Paul thinks I should take it back and get something else... like putting the money back into getting a PS3 and getting the new Ratchet and Clank: Tools of Destruction.

Decisions, decisions.