Saturday, March 21, 2009

Say goodbye to everyone you have ever known... You are not gonna see them ever again///

Song of the Day: Editors> Smokers Outside The Hospital Doors

We've all been changed
From what we were
Our broken parts
Left smashed off the floor

[How ironic. I have found this awesome band via Pandora and I have now come to love them. While I write this entry, this song comes on and sums up what it going on inside of me. Stupid music.]

Ugh. My Grandma isn't doing well. I can tell. And I don't like thinking like that. Today was supposed to be a great day. I wanted it to be a awesome day. And now, I am saddened beyond belief.

After last night seeing my Dad's band play, Paul and I came home and went to sleep. We woke up, watched some sports highlights from the night before, got dressed and went to the Farmers Market near the house to buy some veggies, made some corned beef and hash burritos for breakfast, watched some NCAA basketball games, watched some movies that Paul had downloaded a while ago and worked on my crocheted bags.

I got a call on my phone. I didn't answer it immediately. I just let it go to voice mail. I went to the phone minutes later and saw that my Grandma had called. I thought it was odd because she usually doesn't call me too ofter, I call her. I listened to the message and it was actually from my Aunt Rosemary who lives in Houston, Texas. She said that she was down there with Grandma and that she (my Grandma) wanted to talk to me. I figured I would call her later on, and I continued to watch the movie with Paul. Minutes later, I got a call from my Mom telling me to call my Grandma. I said okay, hung up the phone and watched the last 6 minutes of the movie.

I called my Grandma and talked to her. I could hear the pain in her voice. Last night when my Mom came over to our house, she showed me photos of when she was last down in Los Angeles to visit Grandma. She looked so frail. So fragile. She didn't look like the Grandma I have know for 25 years. She looked like someone completely different. She looked like her time was/ is coming up. I could barely look at the photos. And I could see those photos in my head as I talked to her on the phone. Every sentence I said was followed by a 10 second pause then her response. I know my Grandma knows that she is not going to last long. I know she isn't that dumb or naive. I didn't want her to think that I was thinking that too, so I asked her the usual questions that I do when I call her for a chat: How are you doing out there? Whats the weather like for you guys? How is the rest of the family doing too? I love talking to my Grandma. She loves to hear about what I am up to, how my job and school work is going, how Paul and the Kittens are, and she just likes to hear from one of her grand kids. And I love telling her everything.

I sent my Mom the following message after I talked to Grandma:

Amanda- "Grandma sounds so weak"
Mom- "I know. She is saying good bye"
Amanda- "She isn't gonna last long, is she?"
Mom- "No"

Mom said that they think she only has about a month left. I can't loose her. This sucks.