Friday, September 19, 2008

You know you own my body, but don't think that you control my mouth///

Song of the day: We Are Scientist> Textbook

A long time ago, I think I was about 20 (it was a month till my 21st birthday); I was dating this guy named Eddie. Back in the day, all I was doing was meeting up with random guys... More for the human contact then the pointless and forgettable sex... I liked being in the company of guys (Being raised around boys my whole life and being the only girl in a Masculine household had taken its toll on me apparently). Let me tell you... Eddie was a pretty kick ass guy. He practically was the polar opposite of me but we fit together so well. He was a white boy rapper type with tattoos drove an Escalade. He was the most fun person I have ever dated at the time and I totally adored this guy. I don't know if it was the fact that I was so mesmerized with the thought of being with someone this amazing or that I decided to settle with the first person who would have me...

We didn't know each other for very long before he proposed to me. I think we had known each other for 4 or 5 months. I honestly thought that he was going to me my future husband. That's what I get for watching stupid movies where the girl gets the guy. Anyways, Eddie proposed to me in February... I remember thinking that every bad thing that has ever happened to me was now finally being wiped away and now having the chance to start a life with someone who I loved more then the English language. I was so happy then. That whole time period was like a whirl-wind romance that you could only see on the big screen. I had my doubts...

It's him.
I write about Ed. my thoughts about him are awesome. I adore him so much. He is the most wonderful person in the world next to me. He makes me smile and I truly value the time that we get to spend together. The world is a better place now that he is in it.

I have my doubts.
I am not going to lie about that. I think that things between us have happened a bit too fast. This whole month together has just taken things that should wait several months to forge and they happened within the course of a few weeks. We said that we loved each other faster then any other relationship I have ever been in. we already have plans for the future despite the fact that we don't really know all that much about each other. Things are moving pretty fast for my second relationship.

I just wonder if I am the one for him.
I know I am not the easiest person to love or even like for that matter. I know that he deserves so much more then what I can offer him. He deserves the stars in the sky and I just hope to god that I am that one girl who can give them to him. I mean, he is the most perfect guy that I have ever had the pleasure to know in all my random emo kid adventures. He is thoughtful and considerate and has the most beautiful blue eyes in the free world. He can make my heart stop beating but just looking at me. He makes me so happy that I can't wait for the days to pass... I look forward to the day when I can stop calling him my boyfriend and call him my husband.

That is how much I love that white boy.

I guess I am nervous. I don't know if I am scared to let things happen. This is my life... these things are meant to happen for a reason or another. I guess I need to loosen up and live a little. If I get hurt, then it happens. I will still live. I am scared to love someone else. Today is the one year anniversary of the great break up of 2003... I guess that is the reason why I am thinking like this.

Be thankful happy for this moment.
This moment is your life.

Long story short, it didn't last. Like most things in my life apparently. He cheated on me and I was too stupid to see the warning signs. Like the emails to random girls on Craigslist... He tried to tell me that those were nothing and that I am the only one that he wants. All fucking lies. Oh well. I talked to him years later (this year actually) and he said that it was a combination of him not really liking me and he really wasn't ready to be married.

I was playing around with Paul's new ipod touch tonight. It brought those memories back all of a sudden to Eddie breaking off our engagement because he cheated on me. Reading anonymous emails from him to some other girl he wrote in April of 08 makes me feel like leaving this. So fucking lame.