Thursday, June 19, 2008

Closed circuit cameras... Before you're comatose///

I miss Paul. Corny... Yes, I know. Nothing seems as fun when he is gone... Not playing the video games... Listening to music... Or even waiting to see which item will be next on the woot-off. He is in Los Angels this weekend to visit family... His little sister, Lauren, is graduating from high school as we speak; his cousin, Katherine, is graduating from San Diego State this weekend, and his Aunt who lives in Austria is in town for his Grandmothers memorial and to get her headstone set in place at the cemetery she is buried in. I have the privilege of picking Paul up from the airport late Sunday night. I will be a grumpy bear if his flight is delayed like usual.

So, what has been going on in the world of me, you might ask? Currently, I am at home. I dropped my Public Speaking class today. I thought about it for the last day or so. I am just not comfortable with the class. The group I was in (that I feel bad for abandoning) was pretty cool. One of the girls went to the same high school as me long ago, too. I dropped the class online. I don't regret it. I decided that I will take another class come this Fall... Which brings my total up to about 4 classes and about 14 units next semester. 3 art classes and 1 math class. I think I am up for the challenge. The classes will be Into to Art, Asian Art, Medieval Art and Algebra Math (which I hate with a passion). I think it will be better off this way. I just feel like I let down Paul. I asked him if he was mad that I decided to drop this class, he said that he wasn't; I can tell that he is slightly. I have to kick ass this next semester. I wish that work wasn't preventing me from devoting my time solely to school and getting my degree.

I should be doing other things... I have been listening to Radiohead since 7pm (I think)... The same 2 songs actually. 'All I Need' & 'Jigsaw Falling into Place'. I keep playing out things in my mind... Like if I were to do a music video, what would it be like? I cant possibly describe what thoughts pop into my head while the song plays... Every time the song starts, I just close my eyes and disappear into something else. Maybe it has something to do with the lyrics, I hear that song and think of the Amanda I once was and how I am nothing like her anymore... Whore, no more:

"Just as you take my hand
Just as you write my number down
Just as the drinks arrive
Just as they play your favourite song
As your blather disappears
No longer wound up like a spring
Before you've had too much
Come back in focus again

The walls abandon shape
They've got a Cheshire cat grin
All blurring into one
This place is on a mission
Before the night owl
Before the animal noises
Closed circuit cameras
Before you're comatose

Before you run away from me
Before you're lost between the notes
The beat goes round and round
The beat goes round and round
You never really got me there
I just pretended that I had
What's the point of instruments
Words are a sawed off shotgun

Come on and let it out
Come on and let it out
Come on and let it out
Come on and let it out

Before you run away from me
Before you're lost between the notes
Just as you take the mic
Just as you dance, dance, dance

Jigsaw falling into place
There is nothing to explain
You eye each other as you pass
She looks back, you look back
Not just once
Not just twice
Wish away the nightmare
Wish away the nightmare
You've got it on you can feel it on your back
It on you can feel it on your back
Jigsaw falling into place"
Re-reading it, I don't like who I was before I met Paul... Constantly running from guy to guy and sleeping with the next guy who would have me. If the old me had a theme song, it would be that song. Hands down. Maybe I should make an "Old Manda" mixed CD. Ideas ideas.

Arg. I think I will play some games or clean up a little bit. I sold one of Paul's old N64 games today. Someone paid $17 for it. Manda = win. Mario Kart. I also need to work on my lame mixed CD... Yeah right.