Thursday, May 08, 2008

Somethings gotta give...

I think I need to re-evaluate what I want from life and where I am in life currently. Lately, I have not been happy with things (I would never admit that in person, but it is truly how I feel deep inside, I just don't know how to properly convey my emotions in to words)... Mostly, certain people who I am acquainted with and the situations I am currently in. I know I am going to have to cut ties with some people I know and just shift my life around to make things work. I just don't like how things are anymore. I feel like I am loosing direction every passing second.

I keep bouncing between the thought of sticking with school and eventually getting my BFA in Art History. I don't think I have been as passionate about anything in school as I am with Art History. I only took history of modern art because it looked easy and I knew some of the art that would be discussed but I didn't think that it would become my passion ... But then after reading things like this, and realizing that I am not the best student in the world, I wonder if this is even right for someone like me. All I know is that I really don't like thinking about working in an office like this for more years... At least, not till I am in my late 20's. If I continue with school, I want to have my effin' degree by the time before I turn 30. I just hate making decisions like this. If only it was like Futurama where they give you a chip implanted in your hand with the job you are going to have.

I don't have any friends. I honestly don't think you could count my roommate, Josh, as a friend. I have known Josh for many years... We met on Live Journal and also happened to go to the same college and that's that. Since he moved in with Paul and I last January, I am noticing that I don't know anything about him. I have given up on keeping in touch with my last friend from high school. The only reason why I stopped talking to him is pretty simple yet petty at the same time. I was not only frustrated with trying to get in touch with him via text messages, short phone calls, and the all too pathetic myspace messages. To be honest, its not like I called or messages him that many times. I gave it a half assed attempt to say the least. I am just jealous. Out of nowhere, my best friend comes back to Sacramento after living in Utah (and the only reason why he went there was because of some stupid girl) and also brings that stupid girl with him back to Sacramento... Then breaks up with her and immediately starts to date another girl that we had went to high school with and with in a month, gets new girlfriend pregnant and then decided that its a good idea to marry her. I don't think I have really talked to him since his wedding in October 07. I knew that the day they married, I lost him forever. I think that is why I was so quiet at his wedding. I sat alone with Paul... I felt like an outsider. I don't think it has anything to do with jealousy (like some people would like to think) of the wife taking him away from me because I once had a crush on him in high school... I am sad that we don't talk any more... Now the baby is on the way any day now. I just wish him the best of luck.

I just knew where this thing with Paul and I was heading. I know I shouldn't be rushing into anything given my track record with dating... Being used by countless numbers of guys and in turn, using them too... Being engaged, cheated on, lied to and betrayed; you would think that I would take a break from relationships... Come this July (technically, July 25th) Paul and I will have been together for 2 years (which is the longest I have been with one person... the first guy I dated out of high school, Patrick the guy who ended up at Chico State and who turned out to be a huge man-whore, is currently in the lead with 1 year, 11 months). I don't know where he sees us in the future. I do want to eventually get married... I am not in a rush tho. And I do want a family even though I have a problem with little kids. Sometimes I wonder if he is the one I am supposed to end up with. If he is my soul mate... Sometimes, I wonder why he stays with me when I am so much drama sometimes. We fight so much sometimes. I am just so confused. Then again, I am half to blame. Maybe I am more to blame then he is.

I need a vacation.